My Blog

i always thought i stopped blogging on friendster blog and never started on blogging, not even on other bogs. always remembered that this blog ended with an annoucemen t but i didnt.until i know things from people so that triggered me to post up this blog.

thinkings, thoughts, views and hearing form words and therefore i pen it down. delimma in me. to blog or not to blog? if i do blog, i think more than i usually do. my words show my weakness, they contradict myself, they contradict the norms. so, i wanted to let thoughts just flow along as i live. think about it, learn from it and let it go. my mind is my hidden blog. since i acknowledge my words as weakness, i am not one who parade it out for others. a timid mouse i am. shame. mask, i used to talk about that. maybe that mask is ego.telling you that this is right, what is in correct. i am talking psychology.

hard to post a personal event out but not allowing others to read. that holds back my act of blogging. now i learnt to be smart.

i do find myself weak. i do find a mask on me. to assure you, i am still yun, the yun who still know herself, uses six senses, keep others in mind. can be distracted at times and neglect some people. silent apology.

at that time when i was blogging here, i neglected my diary friend, the one who was always there for me at the end of the day. waiting for me to calm down my mind and body after the whole of a hectic day. i love you diary friend.

without a blog, i can survive with my diary. it’s a so-called nei xin shi jie of mine. i can scream out my emotions without people knowing, i am able to say what others may not want to know, i am allowed to console myself, i am given the freedom of speech, the freedom to learn more things through that way. i love how it accept my complaints about anything under this blanket of clouds.i love my diary.but starting on something more mobile. dont worry my diary friend, i wont be neglecting you. i will let you know.

yun starts thinking more once again. another chapter begins at caiyun.livejounal.com

no more backstage, it has to be real.

recently, i get to know that human can hate humans, so i am not the abnormal one who i thought i was before,because i hated humans once, including myself.i believe those were moments of low morale.

one of my friend display a phrase of I HATE HUMANS on MSN.i approached her to ask why.she responded that human act which makes them so fake.she is always in the frontstage,acting in order not to be lonely.darling,it is human nature to present out what is nice and keep what is unpleasant within themselves, and only showing them in private.

i may not understand you fully.but love yourself for who you are.cheer up.=)

~backstage

Gemini in Love
May 21-June 21

Gemini is the mutable air sign ruled by the planet Mercury and that
describes much of their lively and thought oriented approach to love. They
treasure being mentally captivated, excited and dynamically active and the
mates they choose tend to be friends, first and foremost, and lovers second.
Being able to share and discuss new thoughts, new ideals and everything they
conceive and learn is an important quality they need to have in place within
a relationship. This is the talkative, communicative sign and their minds
are constantly sifting through information. As such they often speak before
they think and their words, usually not intended to hurt, can fall flat when
they fail to carry through on an intention or promise. A lover often feels
left behind and unimportant as the Gemini discovers a fascinating new
subject or person to explore and words from the past become empty and
hurtful. At their best, however, a Gemini lover is the most fascinating,
joyful and enjoyable partner of the zodiac. When that is backed up by their
own feelings of wholeness and completeness (often the very thing they are
seeking from a partnership) they are dynamic and loyal mates.

Gemini Sexuality: Sex is a mind voyage for most Gemini’s and they experience
the height of their passion through their thoughts and what the feelings
mean to them. They are open minded and experimental ,yet not necessarily
driven by passion to try out the new techniques and adventures, but more out
of the hungry curiosity that propels them to simply…discover something.
They bring their wit and laughter directly into the bedroom and can be
disheartened (and even shocked) that their partners may not always go along
with their ever present sense of humor. Their lust and their needs tend to
come and go with speed and suddenness and they can turn off as quickly as
they turn on. Gemini’s seldom wait for anyone and that includes a lover who
takes a little more time to feel stimulated.

The long term story: Gemini’s need friendship and companionship and a
partner who can share their mind explorations and journeys as deeply as they
need a lover and heart mate. They generally need someone who is secure or
open enough to not feel threatened by their quickly changing interests or
whole hearted experiments but one who can also help them ground out to
penetrate one of their intrigues in depth. Because Gemini is a dual sign
they often project part of them when they are attracted to a mate and the
relationship becomes an external way for them to work towards their merging
of their two very different sides. This polarity creates an intriguing and
exciting spark in the beginning of the relationship but can burn out once
the Gemini has ‘owned’ up to its other half or has grown bored and retreated
back within self.

Positive Traits in Love: Joyful, good natured, broad minded, experimental,
radiant, friendly, enthusiastic, flexibility, gentleness.

Negative traits: Unreliability, fickleness, duality, insincerity, self
focus, restlessness, critical and temperamental.

What a Gemini likes:
Intellectual stimulation.
Ideas and thoughts.
New trends to investigate.
Friends and socializing.
Talking.
Sharing ideals.
Learning.
Upbeat, lively mates.

What a Gemini Dislikes:
Routines and ruts.
Feeling ignored.
Being confined.
Apathy.
Being the one to make all the decisions.
Slowness.
Being directed.

Gemini Love Keywords:
Friendly, mind oriented, spontaneous,
verbal, joyful, experimental, open minded, enthusiastic.

~backstage

whoo..it was long since i updated this.this period of time brings back all the memories of mine, the time when we were all studying to get the best out of what we could.nobody from my class will doubt the toughness we went through,chewing out books and notes every minute,going after teachers everyday,thinking of working hard every second,not bothering of being a nerd or a book worm.i name myself a KNOWLEDGE SUCKER.found this special and unique name for my attitude during those times.

i came out with these conclusions and theories lately.in another words,i realise the importance of a spouse in life.i am not thinking of marriage duh..it’s that i feel that having a family is a barrier to upgrade yourself in carreer most of the time.but come on, no matter how much money cant buy you happiness.ya,and another thing,i discovered those who had found the right guy will mention marriage, those who have not found the right guy wont even talk about dating.

next,the culture that we are brought up in have so much impact on our future and the future generations.SOCIOLOGY,i see the importance to it.i have been observing and asking myself questions,comparing and concluding.seriously,this world is troublesome.the family culture is shown through the children’s behavior,thinking,and attitude.

oh man..how i wish people can read my mind.and the best is i am able to read people’s mind.i am desperate.

i need to learn how to think of stuff that are worth thinking, and also not to think of stuff that are not worth thinking,they make me heartbroken.WHAT A WASTE to make yourself sad.agressive,assertiveness,submissive?therapeutic?i need to develop.

i need power.i am gonna work hard.

but i need to have someone to lean on.

selfish thinking of mine,

i know you need to lean on someone too.

may the clouds carry my troubles to a very faraway place and drop it there.

it is tired to be a leader,it is tired to care too.

~backstage

numb-i dont mean the feeling you get in your limbs after sitting on the floor for a long period of time,to the extend that it turned soft and feel that it doesnt belong to you.i mean the numbness in your heart or sense of being immune to all sorts of stuff happening around you.well,i mean myself.i prefer the numbness in my leg after sitting on the practice lab ground to the numbness in my heart that i am experiencing now.kind of lost.however,someone surprisingly told me that he would want to be in my state.too many disappointment in life that we get from human beings.

i know it’s bad to have this thinking in my mind.but i feel that forever is a word used too often and the meaning is no longer alive.saying is easy,carrying out the actions is completely tough.i dont believe in FOREVER unless something changes my stubborn and brainless belief!!!

people do change,i admit i am one.ordinary caiyunism vanished.smiles disappear.numb is what i feel.to friendship

not being in that worse state,i am only numb to some parts of friendship,to some commitments.a nurse to be,hope to be a sucessful one.i still create silly theories.eg, there’s no block I in nyp,because I for ice-cream,to prevent temptation in any people.blae..

searching for my own self.

~backstage

i have no idea what’s wrong with the colour font thingy.i want PURPLE not BLACK.

my bro is so problematic to the extend that….he seems to have two different characteristic.can i take it that it’s just teenagers’ mood swing or attitude problem?whoo…i am going to some mental hospital without 2 years in JC and 3 years in UNI.thanks to him.yaya,i am lacked of energy mentioning about it.it dug up all my sec sch life.hey,i have a life too.all his selfish thinking.SUCKS.

thanks to 2410.it gave me another chance,to be someone more worthy.i think i am the only one who will remember it for life.cause it had been engraved deep onto my heart.

i am filled with thoughts.

~backstage

i just dont feel at ease being jobless.no money,no fun.but i remembered how badly i wanted to be at home while working everyday.with all the precious time i have now,plans come after plans.occupied by reading,exercise,dream,songs,fun.recently i have two questions in my mind.

1.)after mixing with people of different ages while working,i found that they are so different from wgs peeps.wonder why those human beings in wgs who are older by one or two years old gave me that ’senior’ feeling while people in my workplace do not.well,after some explanation,i kind of see the light to it.it’s the stage where i am in,and how i view it.i was thinking about another matter few years ago.it’s about the seniors in school not even bothering to give us a smile or to look at us.with the taste of being a senior myself,i know the answer.some juniors are bothering to a certain extend.the generation is getting worse.into tou foo.hey kids,it’s the mindset you should have.commitment and competition seem to be like aliens to you.G gap!!!gosh…

2.)LOVE is such a big umbrella which shelters hundred and one things that you can never finish naming them all.i am one who cant live without songs,and i feel the lyrics.most of them discuss about LOVE.can you imagine?there are so many songs written,in different lanuages and song writters,and they talked about LOVE.it’s like a never ending fairy tales.LOVE=family,friends,your partner,your pet,towards others.another thing is,LOVE is a word which is so tough to be defined clearly and in details.songs with nice lyrics will be:

+slyvester sim-suo yi

+lin jun jie-now that she’s gone

+lin jun jie-down

+ha lin-qing fei de yi

+maia lee-zhi guai wo

talking about stages in life,i can recall bits of each and the changes in me.mugging life in sec 3 + 4,followed by the challenges in exams,with the results next,working stages in turn took place,jobless weeks.gave up on quite a number of stuff as stages went by.the next coming up will be poly life which i am waiting impatiently.not to get over with it.but to spend the time wisely.it will be common for things to be held behind. i was amused by what my friend said the other day that he is afraid of crowd.hey,i think i am too but to a small extend.i just dont like to be with big group of girls who i dont feel comfortable with.feel that i am so out and not right.oh,that’s my Evil Child speaking.argh…i just need to adapt.

nyp nursing,this is where i will be.

yucks,i hate rainy days.

IMAGINE EVERYTHING TO BE IN PURPLE,EVEN MY FONTS.

~backstage

i was so vex just now.very!troubled over my brother’s studies and his.gosh.their studying method just bothers me so much.it lets be realise how desperate i was to go for the best.our thinkings are just so different

my brother’s case

he is voting for combination of streams,yet he is unwilling to vote for the best class with pure sciences.what’s so bad about it?of course,i encouraged him to strive for it.he is that species which is easily contented and cant bear to torture himself with piles or homework and assignments.he told me that he dont want to be over confident.sad,he dont understand my words.how will he feel being in my shoes?being restricted from getting near my goals,being controlled like a puppet,being in a small cage.~

the other part of the story,i will leave it out.

well,i thought through well enough.maybe i am comparing them with myself.am i that alien-fied?remembered the stressful and rush life i led while studying.pathetic.however,i love it.working hard with 4e1 is a luxury.the spirit and attitude seen is rare and special.i love the class.everyone.rcy wgs,everyone.dots,every dot.

chatted on phone with angel last night.discovered the difficulties in meeting another someone,who can be my ‘vomiting ‘ partner.she is the right choice.we ‘vomit’ on each other during our school time.about our wonderful/sucky weekends,what we ate,what we did,who we saw,how we felt…etc.we shared almost everything.while talking,tears welled up in my eyes,i nearly cried.i miss the class so much.the crazy things we did,the exam wars we had on each other,lots.

after working so much,i suspected myself becoming stupid.i am using low class English as you are reading right now.aimless in life.only looking forward to school opening which will be start of new knowledges being downloaded into my brain system.school,please come quick.i am hungry for knowledges.library,i need you badly too!sorry for my lousy english.

nowadays,sg seems so unsafe.murder and missing cases constantly happening.noble nurses are there saving people,and people sending each other into heaven.please,love each other.let’s do things after serious thinking.dont act carelessly.love is alive.think thrice.love everyone.LOVE.lets’ pray hard that the world will be peace-free.

walking along the canal near my work place in the morning,surprised to see it filled with water.beautiful.the water gleamed under the bright sunlught,with numerous ripples on the water surface formed by naughty and playful tadpoles swimming around.the look of it felt so happy.they chased each other around,hid among the fallen dried leaves.as they swim,tiny waves moved.the whole canal looked so lively.it lightened up my early morning.

the beginning part of my day was so wonderful but the end was a teary one.

before i end,i want to confess.i love everyone.with love,light up everyone’s world.

~backstage

hate weekdays,cause he comes back.i rather he dont come back.not at all.it’s best to have him transferred to the moon,and forgotten.not reminded,not mentioned.i am unwilling to see him.it’s completely different from the past.it hurts.cruelity.think he is still a kid.or i am the kid.a maze in my heart.i am blinded by his charms.i deserve the bitter medicine.the taste i get that force me to let go.

i envy those going jc 3 months.looking at those pic of their class,i envy them so much.it’s no life working.doing the same old things,and people treating you like slaves.as if we deserve it,and they deserve damn good services.i dont know what gave them the rush of adrenaline and it is thus converted to violence.graciousness is completely inappropraite for them.cant they put the item back to original position.some are even ridiculous.if they are so damn filty rich,i think departmental stores do not suit them.try to act class.please dont,i feel like puking.class=gracious,not proud.if you are a fantastic shopper,promoters will not be slaves or servants in your eyes.hello,promoters are humans.can you imagine a stacks of chinos packed neatly according to sizes for 2 hours,and ended up messed up,flipped,rummaged?it wont make your mood good.the state of how my chinos lay can easily tell you how much violence were used.it’s not easy for the next person to look for size either.

i understand i am speaking solely from my view only.selfish again.

who is the angel actually?who is the devil then?

devil:as a customer,it’s normal to try.i try what i like and i will only know whether it suits me after i try the exact colour and size.i dont care if you have a display size.i have money.

angel:sorry sir,can you try the display size?so there’s no need for me to open these.

devil:(after opening the shirt)where’s the fitting room?(when the fitting room word is printed so big)

angel:(devil comes back)sir,is the size ok?

devil:the colour is not nice.(look some more)can i try this colour?

angel:(unwilling)ok.(open it up with a screwed face)

devil:(tried)the material crumples easily.not nice.i look around first.

note from angel:if you have no intention of buying,just dont try.dont even go shopping.stay at home.

note from devil:customers are always right.you are working to earn experiences,i am giving you experiences,letting to learn.if you dont want these,dont work at all.

i am feeling blues.TOMO-self created brand.

~backstage

to compare family and money,i wouldnt know which one is better.but any other greedy people will choose both,like me.money roll into my pocket while the family warmth i need leaks from the other end.every night i go back to a dim house when everyone has fallen into their deep sleep.no chat.no meet.havent seen my dad and bros for days.except when they are sleeping.this again let me feels that money is not everything.comparing family to money is similar to compare studies to work or compare friends to family.difficult and tough task to do.sweat.speaking of friends,i dont even know what they are doing and are involve in.some may be in jc enjoying life.some may be at home shaking legs.some may be sweating while working,like me.regretting what i am doing.but in life,we dont get the chance to choose everytime.

opps,never realise that i am writing in chunks.cant continue on.late and not in the correct mood.

~backstage